Why are there so few attractive guys in New York frickin City? I can hardly masturbate anymore. They're all taken, but not committed. Since my boyfriend visited, yes, one of those silly internet boyfriends, at least I've gotten some of my libido back. I don't even find television or movie stars attractive, but I never have. What I don't remember is a time when I wasn't madly in crush with every guy holding a guitar within a hundred mile radius of my residence.

My libido though, is unattached. My mind drifts off when I am trying to get off. Since I was raped four years ago, I can only come with my knees locked. Why did I want to tell that to the internet? Maybe I'm not the only one. How much does it matter when almost every guy I've slept with since then can't get off from intercourse anyway? Are we even then?

My thirties seem like such a strange place sexually. I'm in a committed relationship but I still fool around on the side, with permission but I don't know how long that privilege will last. I zone out thinking about getting raped and what I should have done and how everyone still loves him and sometimes I love him too. Sometimes, like tonight, I think that's what took my crushiness away. I wanted to have this all on my own terms, but I never expected I could like someone who could hurt me like that.

So I get distracted. I get distracted from having crushes at all. Or maybe I don't need crushes when I'm in love? I've never been like that before. I don't know what I'm like anymore.